I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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