May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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