i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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