My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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