The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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