My pussy is not your playground.
Farmville is her only friend.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
