no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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