I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
