Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
