god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
