oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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