the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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