Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
