If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
