i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
