K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
