I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
