I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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