wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
