who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
