I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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