He uses pillows to masturbate.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
