I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
