Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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