The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
