life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
