new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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