I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
