Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
