Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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