Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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