One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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