he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
