Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
