Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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