I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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