Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
