You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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