i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
