I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
