toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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