The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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