in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
