I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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