so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
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