I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
