between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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