I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
