If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
