Pants 0. Shit 1.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ugly people sure do ruin things
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
