I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
